Mystery Solved

I spent 3 days trying to figure out why my forearms, elbows, and right bicep hurt so bad, until it came to me: the cartwheel. It all started when my son posted a picture on Instagram of his wife doing a handstand on one of the piers in Marquette. My husband decided that he wanted to recreate the picture when we traveled there this past weekend, only he’d be the one doing the handstand on the pier. “I don’t even know if I can do a handstand,” he wondered. “This could get real bad, real fast, “ I thought in response. When we got to the pier and discovered how narrow it was, we began to have serious second thoughts. “Do you realize that if you make one wrong move, you’ll end up falling 15 feet into those rocks down there?” Tom said to me. I really didn’t want to see either one of us over-throw our legs while trying to kick up into a handstand on a 3 foot wide pier. I mean, how in the world would the ambulance get out there? Let’s be smart here, people.  “Maybe I can do a cartwheel and you can just take a picture of that,” I suggested.

There are a couple things I need to admit here. I am 52 years old. I haven’t done a cartwheel since 1993. I have never done a cartwheel on a 3 foot wide cement pier.

But that shouldn’t matter should it? I mean, c’mon. It’s a cartwheel. Historically, cartwheels are one of those things that seem to come naturally to girls. Just like riding a bike…isn’t it? What could possibly go wrong? So I took a look at the pier, stretched my arms in the air, and froze. Momentarily. Then I just went for it. My body did nothing that it was supposed to. Apparently my muscle memory had expired. All of those thousands and thousands of cartwheels, one-handed cartwheels, and ariel cartwheels? Gone. Remember watching the boys in middle school gym class attempt cartwheels? That’s what it felt like and according to the 17 pictures Tom took as this ridiculous demonstration took place, is exactly what it looked like. After I deleted all of those pictures, I decided that either I should never attempt a cartwheel again, or I really need to work on my cartwheel executions. Which brings me back to the arm pain 3 days later. Apparently, these arms can no longer hold up my body, even briefly. And remember how I said that it was Tom’s idea to recreate the handstand picture to begin with? Those of you who know him, know he’s not a handstand kind of guy. But thanks to modern camera-phone technology I am happy to report that we successfully staged Tom doing what looked something like a handstand, snapped a picture, and sent it off to the kids. Nobody fell off the pier. And only one of us has the arm pain to show for it.  

Covid Lock Down Thank Yous

As we slowly return to semi-normalcy, to a world with more masks and less handshakes, I feel like I need to acknowledge the things which made my life in quasi-quarantine more bearable. It is time for me to say “Thank you.”

Thank you sweat pants. Your casual ease with which you provided me relaxation in a time of stress was immeasurable. The way you coordinated effortlessly with slippers and a sweater when I was teaching Zoom lessons goes without saying. You became activewear, loungewear, workwear and sleepwear. I will never take you for grated again.

Thank you eyeglasses. You gave the contacts and make-up a well-deserved break. You were introduced to the world of online church, Zoom staff meetings, and Netflix binge watching. Without eyeglasses and Zoom filters, my face would not have remained virtually make-up free for longer than I care to admit.

And to follow up, thank you Netflix for your eerily coincidental drop of Tiger King. That oddly addictive, inappropriate, but undeniably entertaining show provided hours of discussion, meme-sharing, TikTok dances, and uncomfortable moments while introducing us to the bizarre world of Joe Exotic. And don’t forget that now you have us all wondering, Did Carol Baskin really kill her husband? The world may never know.

Another shout out goes to my living room furniture. Without you, I would not know what it was like to read, work-from-home, watch TV, and eat my dinner all for hours at a time from a reclined position. I never knew that one could lay around for so long that the hip joints could actually begin to ache.

It is worth mentioning again that I would also like to recognize and thank you, Pringles. Your crunchy, salty goodness provided immeasurable enjoyment while still allowing me to continue a semi-healthy diet. You sat alongside grilled cheese sandwiches, salads, avocado toast, and Spaghetti-O’s. In a time of uncertainty, I always knew that a quick trip to the gas station could replace that cheerful red paper can in the pantry between the quinoa and Ramen noodles.

Finally, I want to thank Zoom and Google Hangouts, and Facetime. You provided hours of work-from-home capabilities, meetings, virtual church, virtual happy-hours, and phone conversations with friends and family. We were able to connect in ways that only the Jetsons or voyagers on the Starship Enterprise could have experienced in my childhood. We connected when connection shouldn’t have been possible.

Never in my life have I experienced anything like this stay-at-home order, and I may never again. I will never forget this time spent at home. And now I really know what it means to appreciate the little things, like sweatpants and eyeglasses.  

Mask Fashion

I was recently scrolling on Zulily, the online shopping site that has literally everything. And by everything, I mean, if you’re trying to live a minimalist lifestyle, don’t ever, ever go on Zulily. Things are usually priced very well and it is extremely easy to go overboard replacing everything in a standard sized walk in closet in a matter of minutes (don’t ask me how I know this). When I watched The Minimalists movie on Netfilx, I was introduced to “fast fashion,” which is detrimental to someone trying to NOT be a shopaholic. According to Investopedia.com, “Fast fashion is the term used to describe clothing designs that move quickly from the catwalk to stores to meet new trends. The collections are often based on designs presented at Fashion Week events. Fast fashion allows mainstream consumers to purchase trendy clothing at an affordable price,” (https://www.investopedia.com/terms/f/fast-fashion.asp). So as I was scrolling, looking to update my work-at-home sweatpants wardrobe, I came across “fashion masks.” That’s right- masks are not just necessary to avoid spreading Covid-19, they are now a fashion accessory in America. I knew it was going to happen. When I first started making masks back in March using left over fabric, I was thinking “Oh, that would look cute with my blue sweater!” Really. I was way ahead of the fashion masks curve. I started making masks with bandana fabric and thought, “Oh, this is cute!” Cute? I started seeing people wearing masks with prints that most likely reflected their interests such as cats, sports teams, and camouflage. When my educator friends and I started talking about returning to school in the fall (most likely) wearing masks,  I mentioned that we would probably need masks for various holidays and masks to coordinate with our outfits. My friends started placing their orders for Detroit Tigers, MSU, U of M, and Green Bay Packers masks, among others. Our fun sock collections will be complimented by our equally fun mask collections. I really think this kind of mask fashion is only limited to the US, because when I watch clips of other countries like China or Italy, I don’t see anybody wearing Sponge Bob Square Pants masks. If you search for “homemade masks” on Pinterest, you can find masks made out of socks, no-sew bandana masks, masks made from gallon milk jugs (I kid you not) and masks made out of bra cups (again, not kidding). I just hope we don’t see one that says “Fruit of the Loom” across the top. That’s one fast fashion/repurposing trend that I hope to never see on Zulily.

At Least my Jeans Still Fit

Recently we had a Zoom staff meeting, in which we met on the Zoom app in order to discuss the week’s school business remotely. My boss likes to start our meetings with some sort of ice-breaker so he asked us to each share one positive. While my co-workers shared things like “learned how to crochet” and “raising chicks in my basement,” my only share was “I can still fit in my jeans,” and I wasn’t kidding. I am actually shocked every time I,

1.     Actually put on a pair of jeans these days

2.     Realize that they still fit.

Rachel Brougham, (Petoskey News Review) wasn’t kidding when she asked in a recent column if anyone else is eating like a 14 year old boy during this stay-at-home order. I can honestly say, “Yes, Rachel. I too, am eating like a 14 year old boy.” You might be surprised to find out that this “good little cooker” as my husband used to call me, has developed an unusual craving for Pringles. During the days of a normal 8-4 work week, I’m a fairly healthy eater. My lunches used to consist of things like green beans, cashews, and an apple. I usually eat an uber-heathy Larabar for breakfast. Dinners are kind of a toss-up, but almost always void of processed foods. You would think that someone who has been spending a large amount of time in a basement office these days would be rarin’ to come upstairs and cook something healthy and delicious. Not so. There is no more weekly menu. After my virtual school day ends, I scroll through Pinterest, trying to find something to cook last-minute. After all, my college son is quarantined with us, so wouldn’t I want to cook for him? Nope. I’ve learned that if my timing is right, he will heat up a pastie from the freezer or make himself a flat bread pizza. If he and Tom feed themselves, I’m free to eat that can of Spaghetti O’s and you guessed it, Pringles. The first few weeks of stay-at-home, I was baking like crazy. I made homemade Naan bread, loaves of bread, chewy granola bars, and cookies. I was starting to feel like The Pioneer Woman. But since the stay-at-home order was extended, things have steadily gone downhill. Maybe it’s situational. I really do like going to work. I’m meant to be around people and have a schedule. Maybe my healthy habits will return when normalcy does.  I actually have had some spurts of inspiration. Yesterday we ventured out to the grocery store and I bought a bunch of vegetables, and have them roasting in the oven. Maybe I’m turning over a new leaf. As I wait for them to finish, I’ll just finish off this can of Pringles and hope I can still fit into my jeans.

Life at a Social Distance

In the midst of this global pandemic, I found myself sitting in my living room, looking ahead to the next three and a half (or more) weeks, wondering, “What I am going to do with myself?” (other than wash my hands compulsively). When the covid19 virus hysteria initially began I did not for the life of me, believe that I would be sitting here “socially distancing” myself from the rest of the community. I tried to put it into perspective, knowing that this isn’t just a mini-summer break. I still need to be working from home and doing my best to interact with school families. Even doing that, I still have significantly more time on my hands. Before the Stay-at-Home order, I had been out and about, minimally speaking. I went to Walmart, Family Fare, and Grain Train. But those errands have quickly run their courses, so I have had to get more creative with my non-working hours.

You might already know that I am a list-maker. So of course I have compiled a list of things that I need to do and things I can do in order to stay busy and keep my mind occupied. I kind of think of it as a practice run for retirement. I know that when we retire, we won’t be semi-quarantined, but you never know what kind of germophobe I might turn into after this. If you find yourself being told to stay home from work and are running out of ideas, here are a few of the things I plan on doing to ward off cabin fever.

·      Put together the chicken puzzle I got for my birthday a few years ago

·      Have a Bananagrams tournament against myself

·      Finish crocheting the duster-vest I started a year ago.

·      Read the 4 borrowed books that I have been saving and the 3 books I bought

·      Watch some classic movies that I have never seen, like Gone with the Wind

·      Make more soap with the supplies I bought last summer

There are some things that I have resolved to avoid as well. I have decided to watch as little network Corona-reporting as possible. I understand the situation. I am being cautious and heeding warnings. I am not, however bulk-buying toilet paper, peanut butter, or Clorox wipes.  The virus is spreading. That’s a given. So why not dust off the pile of books I’ve been saving, finish some of those unfinished crafts, and understand that this time to just hunker down and relax is a gift. I feel like I should end by saying that I am so very grateful for those who are continuing to work in hospitals, grocery stores, gas stations, etc… Their selflessness has not gone unnoticed.  

Heavens to Betsy

In a recent conversation with my husband, I was lamenting over the laundry list of issues that our dog, Betsy, currently contends with. She has a variety of health and emotional concerns that we cannot really trace back to any particular event. Just the allergies alone require daily medicine. If she does not get this medicine, she licks her back leg until an open sore develops, usually accompanied by an infection, requiring antibiotics. In her 4 short years with us, we have done numerous rounds of antibiotics. She also has seasonal allergies which create red, itchy paws that she licks raw in the spring and late summer. Those allergies mean allergy shots. Recently, we changed her food and gave away all of her meat based dog treats to try and get this allergy thing under control. This resulted in me trying my hand at making sweet potato jerky treats that ended up being more like sweet potato chips.

            “I don’t remember dogs having all of these problems when I was a kid,” I told Tom. I mean, my dog, Sheeba, ate Gaines Burgers and Moist and Meaty packets with ingredients like, “meat and meat byproducts.” Her dog treats were Milk Bones and she never had an allergy or a behavior problem and lived to be 15 years old. Tom’s dog, Patches didn’t have one medical condition either and lived to the ripe old age of 12. Her food was a little better, like Science Diet. But seriously. Easy. Dogs didn’t need meat free, grain free, gluten free, vegetable free food. They got Gravy Train and slept on an old towel in the garage.  Back in those days, when someone watched our dog while we went on vacation, the note said, “Feed the dog. Let the dog out. Make sure she has water,” (if there even was a note). I leave 3 pages worth of “sub plans” and then I still call or text 3 times because there was something I forgot. Maybe when I was a kid people just didn’t have the time or patience for special dogs like Betsy. Perhaps they “went-home-to-the-farm” as my husband sometimes says. Because back then dogs were just animals. Now dogs are fur-babies that get dressed in Halloween costumes. To be completely honest, I kind of enjoy looking up recipes for hypoallergenic dog treats on Pinterest. I don’t know why dogs are so different now than I remember, but one thing is for sure, if that sweet, fuzzy, black and white face will sit up pretty for her homemade organic sweet potato jerky treats, she’ll get one.

I Miss "Mom-ing"

When our son was suffering from an illness, he came to the house and sat in our hot tub, took some alka-seltzer plus cold medicine, ate some homemade soup from the fridge, and spent a day on our couch watching Netflix. About a week later his wife, came down with the same bug. Since she chose to stay at their apartment and recuperate, I asked if we could drop off some soup. On our way over we also stopped at Walgreens where I got some more cold medicine, Kleenex, some cozy socks, and a Sprite. I dropped off the goody bag and didn’t think much more about it. About a week later, I heard Melody tell Robby that he should feel grateful that he got stuff like that when he was a kid. I don’t know how he responded, but the more I thought about that, the more I felt I had to set the record straight.

            “Remember when you told Robby that he should feel fortunate to get stuff like that growing up? Well, he really didn’t.” I went on to tell her that I did the normal “mom stuff” when the boys were sick, but I didn’t go all out and do little goody bags or anything like that. I told her that I just miss them so much, that I kind of go overboard when I get a chance. The truth is, I just really miss “mom-ing.” We’ve been doing this empty nest thing for a few years now, and although we are pretty much adjusted to this new season of life, whenever we get the opportunity to do something extra for our kids, we do. I love nothing more than being able to take my college-bound son grocery shopping. Letting him fill the cart with bags of frozen green beans and chicken breast, peanut butter and jelly, and cans and cans of soup, fills my heart with joy. Tom is the same. If Robby mentions that he needs certain parts for his motorcycle, Tom will just get them and make sure they are here when Robby comes over to work on his bike. We don’t go crazy or give them anything they want. I just see it more like filling a little hole that we got when they moved out. I make cookies and send them to Sam in a care package about once a semester. And when I have extra soup I drop it off at work for Robby. And when I see something I think Melody would like, I pick it up for her. And if one of those kids gets sick and I get a chance to do a little “mom-ing” someone can expect some homemade soup and a little goody bag filled with love.